What exactly is “gaslighting?”
I don’t know about you but up until a few years ago, I never really heard the term “gaslighting” being thrown around like it is now. Chalk it up to the internet giving people access to information they didn’t know about or more and more people going to therapy. Either way, gaslighting is nothing new to culture or society. We just didn’t know the word for it. And like all things popular, everyone thinks they are an expert when using it.
So, what is “gaslighting”? It is a type of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own reality, thoughts, feelings, and memory. Essentially someone is intentionally lying over and over again to gain control of another. They say there are 4 types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating, and coercion. The term comes from the 1938 play and 1944 film of the same name. A husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going mad by dimming the gaslights in their home and denying it when she notices. His hope is she will be committed to a mental institution, and he can take control of her inheritance. The term just kind of caught on from there.
Like everything in my uncommon sense school, I want to take what all of this means and break it down into bite-sized chunks we can all digest. First and foremost, this tactic is not reserved for just one person on another. The medical industry can use it. Big companies can use it. The government uses it. The media loves it. They want you to question what you see, think, or believe in favor of what they are trying to push on you. It’s a sales tactic. Get you to question your stance on something because of the illusion that they know more or better. They use your trust in the system or your lack of confidence in your own decisions.
Here is an example that will probably get me in trouble because it involves someone political, but it is something any of you can go look at. Putting aside your particular political view or stance on the topics, I want you to go back and look objectively at the health of President Biden. As a mental and physical strength training coach, I could tell he was struggling. Mightily. Pretty much from the start of his presidency. Why? Because he was 78 years old when he took office. The oldest President in U.S. history. The average male in this country lives to be 76. And taking on the most stressful job in the world takes its toll. Look at the aging of the former presidents before and after their term. My point is we could all see the toll the office was taking on this man. And it was cruel and inappropriate (in my opinion) to do this to anyone this age. Anyone. You’re killing them quicker. Anyway, we can all see him struggling every time he is on camera. And yet the white house staff kept saying nope, he’s fine. Everything you see and hear is not real. You just hate him because of his political stance or have a bias or any number of statements designed to get you to not believe what your eyes and ears were taking in. They were gaslighting the American people as to the health and well-being of our President. Then they told us he was fit to go for re-election (4 more years - making him 86 when he gets out of office). Anything you saw or heard was not true. He is not only healthy but up to the challenge of another 4 years. Then he has one bad debate and poof, suddenly everyone is saying he’s not healthy and fit for re-election and they immediately ask him to withdraw. Huh?
In the field of psychology, gaslighting is a colloquialism. They attribute it to the “conscious intent to brainwash” (thanks Wikipedia). And with the reach of things like the internet, the media now has the ability to reach almost anyone. And reach them it has. Preying on fear, misinformation, indecision, and not wanting to be unpopular, people are gaslit every day. This is not a question of disagreement; this is a question of intentional emotional manipulation. How do you stand up to such a bombardment of intentional manipulation? Why are so many people being caught up in this type of entrapment? One word. Assumption.
When you assume, you believe something to be true WITHOUT PROOF. If you follow a lot of what I talk and write about, you know that assumptions are essentially our brains trying to reduce decision fatigue by cutting corners on what we actually know. Our brains take small patterns or occurrences and apply them broadly to topics. We feel like we know something, but the truth is, we don’t because we have never tested it. We have no actual proof. We just have feelings. And we all know how feelings are revered in today’s society. What happens is we lead with these good feelings (assuming we are correct) but when confronted with another opinion/fact/belief that is stronger and better researched (or even when told more assertively – with more conviction), we waiver because our good feelings give way to essentially nothing behind them. We get exposed. And this usually leads us to other feelings like anger, shame, or disillusionment. We feel bad. And we question everything or just go with whatever the other is saying. This is how gaslighting works.
In the case of relationship gaslighting, therapists want you to go to them, tell them everything, and then they will assess whether the person is using this tactic to try and control you or cause your negative feelings. They consider it a subtle form of abuse. Therapy provides a safe space to learn about it and develop coping mechanisms to deal with the behavior. At the same time, they will investigate whether you are unintentionally using this same tactic on others in your life. And for many, this is probably a good thing. But the better course of action is to be proactive, not reactive.
If gaslighting is a growing trend in society (debatable), it could be a sign of our lack of preparing people at a young age to deal with this problem. One of the core tenets of my school is to build a solid foundation or be prepared ahead of time for the journey of life. Instead of just going out there and assuming everything will go to plan, you spend time to prepare. This means we need to confront who and what we are at a time when we are still developing it. Too often young adults are just left to chance to figure themselves out. They are overwhelmed and try and cobble things together to get by, often just using what they see or hear at the time. They then use these limited experiences to fashion who they are and what they stand for. This is not a great way to stand fast when the storms of life come.
Another problem is people think adding more information (more research) will make them resistant to the ploys of gaslighting. Again, this is false. Having more information is not helpful if you don’t know how the information fits into everything. You simply need to go out and test it. You need to have experiences. A simple example is you want to climb a tall mountain, so you research all the stuff you need, the trail conditions, the weather, what to pack, what to eat, how to pump water, etc. You have all the information you need. What you don’t have is experience using that information. What happens if the food freezes in your pack? What do you do if the trail is washed out? How far can you go in a day? Does the altitude affect your breathing? I know this seems obvious, but you need to go practice climbing perhaps lower mountains and testing your ability to use this information. Can you endure the conditions? Are you strong enough mentally? You won’t ever know this stuff just by reading the internet. You must go out and have experiences. Lots of them. Good or bad. Because having those experiences allows you to turn that information into knowledge. And knowledge over time becomes wisdom. And wisdom is the #1 deterrent to being manipulated.
Too many of us are built on shaky foundations. Untested in time of storm. Assumed to be able to hold but was never put in a position to confirm if that was true. This is what those who use gaslighting are counting on. Assumptions. False confidence. Untested information. They come in and cause you to question everything. Then a therapist has to go through and work out all your emotions and then try and help you heal and start to rebuild. Or you can start testing your foundations now. Put yourself in hard places. Test what you believe. Challenge yourself to see if the things you believe to be true actually are. Become a solid, confident version of yourself. A tested and experienced self. Your best self.
Finally, a person or entity that resorts to gaslighting is often just deflecting their own insecurity or lack of confidence. Rather than take responsibility for something, they turn it around on you and try and make you feel bad. They desperately don’t want you to see them for what they really are: wrong. They don’t want to lose control or make you aware of their shortcomings. They want to maintain the illusion of their competence by making sure they never appear to be on the wrong side of something. In no big surprise, these individuals or entities could also be greatly improved and their need to gaslight reduced by simply following the same advice I gave when being gaslit, don’t assume. Go test and have experiences that prove what you think to be true is in fact, accurate. Then anyone or any entity can stand on a solid foundation of confidence and truth. Look, this isn’t going to prevent us from disagreeing on topics but maybe, just maybe, we can do so without the need or attempt to emotionally destroy one another. And maybe we can cut down on the need for all of us to get therapy.
