The problem with expectations

As a school who specializes in dispensing common sense, I spend a lot of time thinking about things simply. In evolutionary theory, it is referred to as Occam’s Razor, where the simplest solution or path is generally the correct one. In construction I have heard it referred to as KISS (Keep it simple stupid). In the culinary world, a dish is often deconstructed down to its essential components, and then envisioned as something new. In therapy, a practitioner will help a patient break down a complicated scenario or trauma into just a single event, decision, or point in time. There seems to be great value in approaching something simply and yet everyone always wants to make a much bigger deal of it. Why? 

Now I cannot speak for every situation, but I would surmise it has a lot to do with avoiding failure. If something is simple, and you don’t understand it or complete it, you feel worse than if that same thing was complicated. If it is complicated, you have a built-in excuse that hey, it’s hard (challenging, difficult, not obvious) and therefore the failure is more acceptable. When things are simple, there is nowhere to hide. No one to blame. It’s right in front of you and obvious and therefore any failure lands solely on you. Take this simple example. A friend knows you have been dating someone for a bit and asks you how it is going. You answer that it’s complicated. Is it really? No. There is a simple problem with the relationship that you are either ashamed of or choosing to ignore. It isn’t complicated. But, if your friend pushed, you would spin this incredible story, bringing in all this unnecessary detail and tangents to obscure the simple truth. The relationship is flawed and you know it. You say it’s complicated because this is some unwritten code for don’t ask me about it. The person understands that you are going to tell some big story and it isn’t interested in hearing it. At least that is your expectation when you say it’s complicated. That they will leave you alone. But many don’t pick up on this subtle cue and continue to ask questions. Now you are annoyed. Tell me I am wrong. You expected them to leave you alone on that topic. And they don’t. Everyone knows it’s complicated means stop asking. It’s common sense. But I am here to tell you, it isn’t. You have unrealistic expectations and they are giving you an unnecessary emotional response.

It is this realization, this simple truth, that accounts for so much of the daily strife we are emotionally confronted with. Barring significant negative events in your life (and nowadays even that is subjective), people are keyed up all the time now. And this is largely because of technology (try reading another of my blogs about this). We are bombarded with information, marketing, sounds, images, ideas; all to try and sway us to think or feel a certain way. This has also created so many unrealistic expectations that constantly get challenged. You are chatting on a dating site and looking at photos of the person only to meet in person and be disappointed. You are driving your car and get stuck in traffic and can’t believe it. The fast food you purchased looks terrible once you open the wrapper. Whatever it is, it didn’t meet your expectation and then you were emotional. The question you need to ask yourself before getting all hot and bothered is how realistic is that expectation? 

Here is one I did to myself a few months back. I recently got a new truck and tires. Not one week after getting it, I got a flat. Had a nail in my tire. I go to the tire guy all annoyed. I tell him I cannot believe I got a flat on my new truck and tires. He looks at me incredulously and says yeah, that has nothing to do with it. And then it dawned on me. Getting a nail has nothing to do with how new something is. It’s not like only old things get nails and flat tires. But, for some reason, I had this expectation that a new truck and tires meant I was immune somehow to flats. That it magically protected me from nails in the road. And obviously that is ridiculous. But emotionally I was acting like it was true and I quickly switched from feeling annoyed or mad to feeling stupid. Why? Because the nice tire salesman pointed out a simple truth to me that completely destroyed my unrealistic expectation.

So, I started really thinking about all of the outrage out there right now and how much of it is really just unrealistic expectations. People want to make it complicated and spend hours discussing the nuances of the idea or event because it makes them feel important or special or smart somehow. But it isn’t. It’s just blowing something out of proportion because you think it should be something it isn’t. Everything boils down to logic versus emotion. And ladies and gentlemen, logic is out the window right now. Emotion is supreme and it is jeopardizing our ability to live together as a community.  

A thought exercise for you. If you are in a relationship with someone, and they annoyed you recently (likely), what specifically did they do? Was it an active choice to do the thing that annoyed you, with full knowledge that doing said thing would emotionally compromise you? More than likely you expected them to do something else (to make some other decision) and they did not. Correct? Did you specifically communicate that expectation to them? Or did you give some sort of subtle cue or inference that they “should have” picked up on? Did you confirm they fully understood your expectations/timeframe/level of completion, etc.?  I bet many of you just had to answer no. More than likely you have a simple case of miscommunication followed by unmet expectations. Then, in your annoyed state, you mind brings up other unmet expectations and kind of throws them all together into one big emotional response. You complicated a simple miscommunication into a full-blown emotional event all because of an unmet (and unrealistic) expectation. You took something simple and intentionally made it complicated. And for what? What did it accomplish for you? Are you better for doing it? 

Look, if someone is blatantly disregarding your properly communicated expectation and repeatedly, you have a dysfunctional relationship and should take pause. There may be a lack of respect there that would undermine anything you are trying to build. And this happens. However, the more likely culprit is a lack of appropriate communication where you simplified the idea to the point where there is no doubt as to what you expect. Was your message simple and understandable? Do you know why this is so difficult? It isn’t what you think. Once you simplify the idea in your mind, it exposes whether something you think is really complicated (and therefore important) is actually not a big deal. Many times, you will realize the expectation is an unfair one. And all this emotional ruffling is really not necessary. Rather than confront this truth and feel stupid (like I did with the tire salesman), you push your bad position. Do you see what I am driving at? Now, where is the logic in that? 

In truth, we simply cannot keep expecting other people to know what our expectations are or bend to them. It is not realistic or sustainable as a peaceful community. If someone does not meet your expectations, yelling at them is not communication. I am talking to all the “Karens” of the world right now. What you think or expect to happen is almost always unrealistic. The world is a diverse place and common sense is really struggling because we rarely share common experiences together. Expecting them to know (or care) what you think or feel is just flat dumb. Sorry, but it is. We really need everyone (and I mean everyone) to take a long hard look at the expectations they have in their life and objectively evaluate whether they are fair and reasonable. Approach them from their simplest form. If not, adjust them. Temper those expectations and watch what it does for you emotionally.

My final thought is just something I want to pass along to ponder over. If we, as a society, continue to allow words to mean multiple things to different people, we will perpetuate this unrealistic expectation problem. For example, if we are not all on the same page as to what a leader does (the leader’s expectations vs. the people they intend to lead), can we really get angry when we don’t get a particular outcome? The better (and more simply) a word is defined, the easier it is to communicate something. If there is complexity, create more words and make it easier to understand. There is nothing wrong with simplicity! The more we simplify, the more we parlay truth into our lives. And that seems really helpful to putting the common back in common sense.