Have you ever been called a Loser?

Is this offensive to you? Are you ashamed or bothered if someone calls you a loser? It’s an insult after all. Or is it? Somewhere along the way, losing became a bad thing. So bad that people are emotionally compromised if someone calls them this. There was a song by Beck in the 90’s where the chorus was “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” Losing must be pretty bad if the only other option is death.

When did losing (and becoming a loser) become such a bad thing? Is it fair to assume that only the cool people, the winners, are worth anything? No, but people seem to act that way. They fear losing. Hate it. Look down on it. Why? Giannis Antetokounmpo, a basketball player after losing a playoff series was asked how bad he felt after losing and his response surprised everyone. “There's no failure in sports. You know, there are good days and bad days. Some days you are able to be successful, some days you're not. Some days it’s your turn, some days it’s not your turn. And that's what sports is about. You don't always win; some other team’s gonna win. And this year, somebody else is gonna win. Simple as that.” 

Giannis, you see, has a much better perspective on losing than the rest of us. Is he happy he lost? No. Is he ashamed of losing? Also no. He recognizes he and/or the team didn’t do enough, and more was needed. He also points out later things arose (he got injured) that contributed to the loss. Things he could not control for. It wasn’t for lack of preparation or training or effort that led to the loss. Sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug. In a way one could say it was a good thing he lost because it reminded him of one important lesson: You don’t always win. You don’t. In fact, most of the time, you lose. Which means all of us, and most of the time, are losers. And that is not a bad thing.

Now before you go defending yourself and saying that is not the same as being called a loser (under the context you are pathetic), ok, but it helps to start here. The first question you should ask yourself is “Are you actually a loser?” What I mean is, are you pathetic? Did you try? Did you prepare? Did you critically think? Analyze? If the answer is yes, there is absolutely nothing pathetic about you. Being called a loser should have absolutely no impact on you because it is patently false. But, for many of you, it strikes a nerve, and you feel something because you know that you didn’t do one or more of these things. You feel guilty because you know that losing may be directly attributed to you not doing your best.

Try and distance yourself from the last time you lost at something and look at it objectively. Chances are you could point to specific examples of where you didn’t put in your full effort. Skipped steps. Weren’t committed like you should have been. And it contributed to you losing. And you know it. But you don’t like to put that on your shoulders, so you start the blame game. It was this or that or this person or that random event, or whatever your little emotional self can come up with. Then you feel better. Yeah, it wasn’t me, it was them. Therefore, when someone calls you a loser (because you did lose), you defend the little emotional lie you tell yourself and lash out. I didn’t lose. I don’t lose. I win. I am a winner. It was them!

Where did we learn this little emotional lie thing so many of us do? As kids. In fact, probably the first time you lost at something. This is always one of my objections to the participation trophy. Yes, we want kids to have a good time and feel positive. But we all need to learn how to lose. Because if life has taught us anything it is that most of the time, you will lose. You should expect it. If kids can learn to lose and accept that loss as a good thing, a healthy thing (like Giannis perspective), we are preparing them for life. But we are doing it in a safe and largely meaningless space (like kid’s sports). As they get older, the places one can lose become more impactful and so can the consequences. And if they have already built up an expectation of always winning, it is very hard to unteach that. Expectations are one of the worst things ever created by humans because the general outcome is usually those expectations go unmet.

Don’t believe me? Recently we had a Presidential election and a somewhat unexpected outcome. This has led countless people to lose their minds emotionally. A similar occurrence happened 4 years ago, again with the outcome not fitting what people thought and a massive backlash. Sure, you want your particular candidate to win (or more likely, a particular candidate to lose) or you want what that candidate stands for (or so they say). That didn’t happen. The mature thing to do is lick your wounds, regroup, and get back to doing the things that matter to you, with the hope that you will come out ahead in the next 4 years. Something a person who is accustomed to losing would do. Or did you take out your frustration on the winners, blaming them for your misery? Trying to educate them on the error of their choice? Trying to make them feel like the loser you are this time? Which one are you? If you answered the latter, chances are you don’t know how to lose.

The beauty of being a loser is it teaches you something if you know how to listen. Very rarely does someone achieve success without a ton of losses. Not in sports, life, politics, academia, work, relationships, or any other medium you choose to participate in. Losing is a welcome part of life because it demonstrates one essential part of it, you were actually out trying. Life isn’t about always winning; it is about always trying. There is nothing worse than someone who never tries because the best they can hope for is the status quo. No growth. No learning. No chance of winning. Just mediocrity. If we were to create an insult (and I am not advocating for one), it would be to call someone complacent. This is the real pathetic person, not the loser. We are misusing this term. Losers aren’t pathetic. Complacent people are.

Did you lose at something? Good. Good for you. You tried. You voted. You participated. You put yourself out there. You made an effort. There is absolutely no shame in that. None. Did you do your best? If not, what can you do to improve? What can you do better, so you have a better chance at winning? It isn’t whining or blaming others, I can assure you of that. It isn’t trying to tear down the winner. Would you like it if you finally won, and all people did was try and ruin your moment in the sun? No, you would not. So, stop doing it to others. Own your successes, own your failures.  

Here at the Uncommon Sense school, we talk a lot about your best self. Your best self doesn’t just happen. It requires constant effort and lots and lots of trying and failing. Every failure is one step closer to success (winning!). Thomas Edison, when asked about it taking 1000 attempts (losses) to finally invent the light bulb said “Well, I learned 999 ways how NOT to make a light bulb”. You see, we learn from our losses if we accept them, and then look at what went wrong and what we could do differently. Losing without reflection is just pain. Losing with reflection is the path to your best self. Don’t fear losing. Don’t sit on the fence. Try. Get out there. And if someone calls you a loser, tell them thanks. It means you are doing something right. Another step in becoming your best self. And that is the true victory we should all be striving for, you loser!